A Little Bit Stronger

Warning: this post is about the breakup I went through about nine months ago. I know that there are people who read this who have close relationships with the both of us but I promised myself that this blog would be an outlet for the emotions I was feeling inside. As my American Foreign Policy teacher would say, this is “emotional vomit.”

So yes, here’s a little emotional vomit for you.

I told Chris once, back before we were too serious, that if things didn’t work out that I knew I would have the faith to move one. That was back before I thought I was going to marry him, back before I loved him, back before I was envisioning the rest of my eternity with him. But then we did get serious and I knew that I did love him enough to be with him forever. It happened. It was finally my turn. And I was so happy.

Ultimately he didn’t feel the same. There was that fateful day that I still can’t think about without getting sick to my stomach. That singular moment on the bench when we sat down and he didn’t hold my hand. I knew something was wrong and he was going to tell me something I didn’t want to hear. The walk back to my apartment knowing my whole life had changed in one brief conversation. I didn’t see it coming.

The days and weeks after were some of the darkest of my life. For the first time ever I didn’t want to continue to live. There was a sting I wasn’t sure I could bear. Despair, pain, inflamed red eyes constantly drenched in tears. Pure unhappiness. Those of you who haven’t gone through this will think I’m sensationalizing and being a little over-dramatic. Those who have gone through it will understand me completely. That night my brother gave me one of the sweetest blessings I have ever received. The only line I remember is that I would be blessed with an increased capacity to move on. I think that one line is what got me through.

I agreed with Chris when he suggested that it must be part of God’s plan. I didn’t think that was true. Part of me still doesn’t think that was true. I nodded my head but I didn’t agree with him on the inside.

I had to make goals to smile, to laugh, to make it through a four hour work shift without crying. I was trapped in Rexburg at the end of the semester with roommates leaving for the break and the whole city to remind me of all the things we’d done together. Misery.

Chris came and said goodbye before he moved. I asked him if any of it had been real. I watched him from my kitchen window drive away for the last time. I still wonder if he ever thought about me again. It seemed so easy for him. Did he hurt? Did he have a hard time? Did he cry? Does he ever think of me now? Does he miss the time we had and wish it was different? Did he ever love me?

For the eight months we dated my thoughts had been dominated by a person I loved, admired, and respected. For the months afterward I could only think of him and how I wished it were different.
Days finally turned into weeks and months. I went through all the normal phases of hating him, wanting to kill him, wanting to be just friends, sympathizing with him, and then hating him again.

There came a point when I realized I couldn’t let my memories haunt me anymore. That may have been the first step back to happiness for me. I didn’t want him to be in my head anymore. I made it a point to get him out when he kept trying to get in.

I’m not sure when it was, the day I started forgetting him. The day I didn’t wonder what he was doing or where he was. The day I realized I was happy again, really happy. The day I realized my shattered heart was healing.

Today I was driving home from work and I heard a song on the radio that perfectly describes what I’ve been through. I never like when people post the actual lyrics to a song, instead I’m giving you the link so you can hear the words and know what I mean.

Tonight I realized that we've been apart for as long as we were together. That means I'm supposed to completely over him. Whether or not that's completely true will be revealed in the future.

There are still days of weakness but fortunately they are few and far between. I hope for the future and someone who I can love just as much. I hope that I can open my heart and trust again. Sometimes I hope for another chance with him. I just try to hope either way.

Today…I’m a little bit stronger. I’m stronger than I was yesterday.

I’m happy. I’m finally happy again.