a collection of certainly special, uniquely unusual, and equally momentous thoughts: memoirs of me

Thursday, February 24, 2011

one of those people

I’m becoming one of those people. You know, one of those people that’s NEVER home. One of those people who’s only in the apartment she paid good money for for eight hours at night to sleep in and eat a bowl of cereal in the morning and then is never seen again by her roommates. One of those people who doesn’t have time to prepare a good meal and is using the microwaves on campus to cook boxed or frozen food instead. One of those people who thinks that boxed and frozen food is disgusting. One of those people who has more friends (or rather people that she sits by) at the library than normal friends. One of those people who decides what to wear in the morning by how comfortable it is to sit in at a chair in the library. One of those people who has a certain spot in the library and if that spot is taken will be ticked for the rest of the night. One of those people who finally leaves when the lights are turned off and the music gets so annoying she can’t stand it anymore. One of those people who can always be seen with a laptop open and multiple tabs that she’s thumbing through. One of those people relentlessly searching for internships, or working on a cover letter, or networking with every possible person. One of those people who practically lives out of her car or backpack because she doesn’t have time to go home in between activities. One of those people hounding professors for letters of recommendation. One of those people blogging when she should be writing a paper. One of those people trying to find a few sacred moments where she can open her scriptures and relax. One of those people who has the title of college senior. One of those people trying so hard so that she can leave this phase of life and move on to something greater and grander.

Yep, I’m one of those people.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

library ask out

I just got asked out at the library. That's surely never happened before. I guess I can call my college experience complete now.

I overheard some people talking in Spanish about a hilarious topic and when most of them left I turned around and apologized for chuckling at what they were saying. The guy who'd been making the funny remarks introduced himself as Alex. One thing led to the next and we're going to meet up at Latin dancing.

Every day's an adventure at the library.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Epic Experiences

If you would have asked me two weeks ago if I was going to go home for President's Day weekend I would have said absolutely not. I have the rough draft of my senior paper due this next Friday and I haven't started. I wanted a quiet weekend all alone in my apartment to rejuvenate and get in touch with myself.

This weekend has been anything but quiet and relaxing. It's been crazy busy and crazy fun.

1) Spence, Jamie, Carson, and I went night skiing at Brighton last night. EPIC. The only thing not epic about it? The fact that I bought new snow pants at Sports Authority before we left up the canyon only to realize once we got up the canyon that I had left them in a bag in my room. Not cool. I am NOT a forgetful person. My famous last words I guess. Nevertheless, the Brighton store was open and I just so happened to find a pair that was on sale (which means they were still $70 instead of the full price of $130) and this one pair of on-sale pants just so happened to be my size. Blessing. I can take the other pair back. Moving on. The conditions were P.E.R.F.E.C.T! Powder all the way. No crowds. No waiting in line. Just pure unadulterated freedom skiing down the hill with a light snow falling. We had a blast together and I was forever proud of Carson having the courage to come with us in the first place and then turning out to be amazing in the second place. He did awesome. It was a great night and tons of fun being with my brothers and sister-in-law and not thinking about anything Rexburg related.

2) My Grandma Redford turned 91 today. Just if you're wondering, that means she's lived 33,215 days. People, that's a LOT of days. That's a lot of living that she's done. When she was born there were no cars, no TVs, no internet, nothing like that. In 1920, those things hadn't even been invented yet. That's crazy to me.

After a spectacular dinner prepared by my aunt Nancy we took turns sharing our favorite grandma stories. I shared the one about driving my grandma up to the airport and having our tire blow out in the HOV lane going 80 mph. It was one of the scariest experiences of my life. It was also the only day I didn't have my cell phone. How does that always happen? After pulling over to the left shoulder which barely had enought room for our car my grandma then proceeded to swing her door open creating a hazard for all the traffic coming up. After getting that under control and explaining she needed to shut her door asap, we only had to wait a minute or two until a nice couple pulled over and helped us for the next two hours replace our spare. What a distressing experience. I'm glad I got to go through it with my grandma.

I learned a lot about Oral Irene Redford in those few minutes tonight sharing stories, like the fact that she met Philo T. Farnsworth (the inventor of the TV) while he was actually in the process of inventing it. He showed my grandma what he was up to. She thought it was crazy. Little did she know how tv would change her world. All she does now in her old age is watch CSPAN. Oh how things change. My grandma also remembers riding in a Model T Ford car.....and being thrown out of it when they went around a curve. Good stories.

Her house burned down to the ground when she was a young girl. Every material possession she owned was lost. It was the most tragic experience of her life. Her family lived in a tent for two months after that trying to get their lives back on track. She's never thought material possessions were too important. She's been a great example of frugality and hard work. Her favorite chore you might ask? Pulling weeds. She could do it for hours.

I'm grateful for this little old woman. For many many years her mind was as sharp as a needle. It's not so much anymore. Her body is withering along with her mind. She's lived a good long life and still has some years left in her. Someday I can't wait to see her in her prime. She is quite the lady.

Sometimes I don't think I need my family. I thrive on my independance and learning to do things on my own. I resist coming home and spending weekends in this freezing house that my mom loves to keep cold. But then I do come home and I never regret it. I love the conversation, the memories, the smells, the laughter, the feelings I get when I'm here.

It's home, my home.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Survival and hope

It all started a couple years ago at the dinner table one Sunday evening when my dad asked us a thought-provoking question about survival. He had recently read an article explaining the motivations for people in different life threatening situations and what eventually helps them overcome and survive. We went around the dinner table sharing our thoughts of what motivates these people to endure all sorts of pain, discomfort, hunger, and fatige. The answers we came up with ranged from positive thoughts of family and loved ones to the desire for one last ice cream sundae. I turned inward and thought about what would get me through my own sort of harrowing experience.

What I subsequently learned has come to dominate my thoughts and feelings over the last several months.

Hope is the answer I came up with, an enduring hope for something better in the future.

I first started realizing the power of hope on my mission. I saw people I loved accept the gospel (or not accept it) and it taught me the reason to hope, to hope for the ultimate goal. I came home and hoped that I could succeed in the major I had chosen. When I met my first love I hoped for an eternal marriage. Ironically, it was when that didn't happen that I truly learned the power and meaning of hope. It was that small thread of hope, and oh was it small after the breakup, that got me through- a hope for another chance, a hope for something better for me, and a very big hope that I could be happy again.

Time does heal wounds and hope illuminates life once more.

I still hang on to my hope every day. I hope that I'm guided to where I need to be at the right place and at the right time. I hope that my hard work and dedication to my grades will bring success. I hope that I will find happiness and joy in life because there is so much good to be found. I hope for the ultimate hope, that of an exalted eternal life with my future spouse and children in the kingdom.

I hope.....

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

a pew, a judge, and a couch

I had a new experience today which is rare considering I've lived here for several years and have done just about anything else there is to do in Rexburg.

What was this new experience you may ask? Well....I went to court.

No it's not what you're thinking. I wasn't there to plead or testify or receive a sentence. I was simply an observer. However, in the little more than an hour that I spent observing I was completely engrossed and fascinated by the whole process. Who would have thought that I would be entertained by listening to five people plead not guilty to their crimes and misdemeanors? Well I was. Even more, I was truly inspired. I could have sat on that pew all afternoon.

To any other person the proceedings would've been an absolute bore. Not for me. I fell in love with the due process awarded to every individual no matter the crime.

I've always held a deep respect for our country's judicial system and the law we abide by. Maybe I loved today because I really saw the law in action. Sure sure there was nothing too exciting that happened. I didn't get to see a jury hand out a guilty verdict to an alleged murderer, but I did see someone pleady guilty to littering. Almost as cool right?

The last man was there for a probation hearing. Once he was seated at the small table in front of the judges stand and the judge asked him how he was doing, the man proceeded to give a lengthy account of how he fell asleep and got his leg stuck in a couch for 8 hours in which he lost all circulation. When he was finally found and an ambulance was called, they had to cut him out of the couch and rush him to the hospital where he had emergency surgery to save his leg. I know right? You're thinking I'm making this up. How could someone possibly fall asleep on the couch and wake up with their leg stuck in it? Whether he was telling the truth or not is not something I will not answer here. You can decide for yourself. My point is that it was a spectacular afternoon, absolutely spectacular.

I found I was truly inspired by the man sitting on the stand wearing the black robe, the judge. I could tell he was a good man. He wanted to save the people pleading in front of him, he wanted to be able to correct them so they could get on with their life and become good citizens. The judge holds a lot of power. In his hand he holds the power to alter someone's life drastically. He must decided whether to extend justice or mercy. What an important job to do correctly.

I'm glad for new experiences that open my eyes and teach me something new and important. I hope for many new experiences, inspiring experiences, in the future and forever.

Monday, February 14, 2011

not a good texter-backer

I used to be one of those people who had their cell phone in their pocket at all times of the day. I would pull it out every couple minutes hoping that once I lit up the front screen I would see the little icon indicating whether or not I had a text, a missed call, or a voicemail. That familiar vibration in my pocket made my heart skip a beat and I would anxiously seize my cell phone out of the pocket as fast I could, open it with upmost aprehension, see the name of the sender, read the message with all carefulness and reply almost instantly. It got a little ridiculous. I would panic if I forgot it one day at school or work and the hours would pass by eternally slow until I could once again rush home and see all the messages I had missed.

When I was dating Chris it was no different. I couldn't let my phone out of my sight. I would wait and wait for each and every single message. Looking back I hated that I was like that. I think it's important to be a little unavailable sometimes. Once we broke up I realized my absurdity. I didn't want to be so connected. I didn't want to be one of those people that has to have their cell phone wherever they go. I wanted to be a little untouchable and I wanted to be uncontactable every once in a while. So I made some goals.

Maybe I've gone a little far the other way now. I forget my cell phone all the time. I can go hours without looking at it. When I'm at home I leave it in my room and don't check it until I go to bed. I keep it in my backpack pocket when I'm at work. When I do get a text I look at it and forget that I have to reply. You'll never see me at church with the thing that's for sure. I'm proud to say I can go those three hours without any interruption.

Maybe I've become more anti-cell phone lately because we watched a Frontline special called Digital Nation several weeks ago in my Senior Seminar class and it kinda scared the heeber-jeebers out of me. It talked about the future of digital media and the use of everything from cell phones, to Second Life (super creepy if you ask me), internet in schools and classrooms, and texting. Although I realize the incredible importance that digital media has in my life and will have in my future life and the life of my kids, I'm not sure I'm ready for the kind of world where all business meetings involve avatars and the kiddos do all their assignments through blogging. Unplugging from the media might be one of those things I will have teach my children. Who knows?

Sometimes I just want to get away where no one can find me, where the pace is a little slower and the updates don't matter.

So from me to you, if you are one of those people who's texted or call me and never received a reply I apologize. I didn't mean to offend at all. Just know that I'm trying to be a little less wired in and a lot less concerned with everything else.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I'm going to be honest on this blog. I'm not going to hold anything back. I'm going to share feelings, impressions, thoughts, and concerns. I hope this doesn't turn anyone off from reading but why have an internet journal, a.k.a. a blog, if you don't reveal the truth? Most likely I will talk about trials and heartbrake. I will talk about sorrow and grief and disappointment. I will talk about the pure happiness I find in everyday life and about the smallest things that fill my being with joy and gratitude. I will talk about new adventures, new sights, new sounds, new feelings, new experiences ...and I will talk about love.

All of these things are what I've felt in the last year and what has prompted me to start these chronicles in the first place.

So just so you know....this is me....the pure unadulterated Hannah. If you want to stop reading now go ahead. If not, then get ready and hold on.

My Shining Stars

I have often felt that there are certain people sent to this earth to save me during particularly hard times. These friends have indeed been saviors in my life. They are the people who "get" who I am, who seem to really understand what I'm going through and what I'm feeling. These few special souls are all brillant women who love the Lord and have been examples to me. Now, I consider myself a lover of all people. I don't have enemies. Through all my years I'm made a lot of friends, but these five women are so special to me that I would cross an I-beam for them. If I were to pass away prematurely I would hope that these five women would take my daughters as their own and teach them what I could not. I would trust them forever.
Amanda- A friend since 4th grade. She knows what I went through in my teenage years with my parents divorce. She taught me the importance of keeping in touch with those from younger years. She's taught me the importance of frugality and hard work. She's been there through all the hardest trials of my life. She is a part of my "home" in Utah and one of the few people I make a priority to see when go home to Orem.

Kiersten-My first dear friend I made in college. We met as FHE sisters my second semester and then lived together the next. Kiersten is a couple years older than me and I have always looked to her as a source of strength and courage. She is wise. She knows how to comfort me because she's gone through similar experiences. She's always on my side. She knows and loves my goofy side. She's taught me hope and patience no matter what life brings. She lets me vent at any time of the night or day.

Natalie-Natalie and I lived together after Kiersten left and got married. We have so much in common. We dreamt of the time when we could both go to the temple together and would talk about what it would be like. We looked forward to it so much. I will never forget the first time we got to go to a session together. It was a sacred time. Natalie introduced me to my first love. Her work ethic is astounding. She is so kind and gentle. I love her compassion for others. I love her generosity.

Monica- Monica might know me better than anyone else. We served together on the mission for six months and lived together for three semesters when we got home. We were powerful together as companions. Monica loved me even when I didn't deserve it. She loved me in the hardest times of my mission. She taught me real missionary work. She taught me love, real love. She also taught me the importance of laughter. More often than not we had to stop our car on the side of the road till we got our laughter under control. We share volumes of hilarious memories as well as some of the most sacred memories I've yet to experience. Monica is the epitomy of a true friend and would sacrifice anything for me. I would trust her with my life.

Courtney- Courtney and I bonded immediately. We only shared three months together as roommates but I know we'll be eternal friends. I could talk to her forever. I love Courtney's diligence and hard work. I love her creativity. I love her because she has the same size feet as I do and would let me borrow her shoes. I love her maturity and her class. She's taught me persistence. She's one of the few people I can be completely silly and goofy around and who actually laughs along with me when I'm hyper in that way. I can't wait to see her someday when we're both married and have kids. She will be an incredible mom.

I am thankful for these saviors in my life. I know they were brought into my life for a specific reason. I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation that makes it possible for these beautiful people to be my friends for eterntiy.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Application time

I officially applied for graduation yesterday. For some reason I thought it would be more climatic. I had envisoned in my head some sort of celebration tune ringing through the Kimball as I approached the Records and Registration window with streamers and whistles blowing, students nearby applauding me as I took the application form and filled it out, heralding my accomplishments. Not so much. In fact, when I got to the window the guy told me the whole thing was done online now. I pulled up a chair nearby, whipped out my computer and logged on. Come to find out the whole process took me about 1.5 minutes. Done. The most stressing part was looking over my name about a bajillion times making sure it was typed correctly so as to be printed correctly on my diploma. My cap and gown was bought, my department was chosen and I was done. No celebration tune, no applauding students nearby. Oh well, maybe those things will be there on April 9th. I'll just have to wait till actual graduation day.

Friday, February 11, 2011

the beginning

I never thought I would do this. I seriously never thought I'd do this. In fact, I promised myself I would never do this. And yet I'm here. I'm blogging. Yes world, this is me the blogger.

A couple months ago I realized I was entering a "frontier" as President Clark would say. I have been in this place for so long. I have grown, I have struggled, I have experienced so much. And now I'm preparing to leave. In fact, I'm preparing to move across the country.

With so many beginnings, new beginnings, I've felt the need to record some of my thoughts, feelings, and impressions.

But first, a little about the newest blogger on the block. All of the normal introductions can be somewhat of a bore so instead here's just some of the most random tidbits of my unique self:

I secretly want to conquer the world. One of my favorite hobbies is talking to rather large groups of Mexican men sipping their Coronas and standing around the bed of some truck. Someday I want a guy to feel about me the way Stephen Speaks feels about his girl when he sings Out of My League. I recently discovered the joy of cruiser bikes and now want to own one of every color of the rainbow. Where do homeless people get the cardboard and black sharpies from? And why do they always use cardboard? Sometimes I really feel like I’m Truman from The Truman Show and the entire world is not only in a conspiracy against me but is watching me every second of the day...that’s why I’m planning an escape...on my cruiser bike. I can throw a football better than most guys. Don't be scared. My personal motto is "Do as the natives do." The older I get the more I realize how prominent the voices of my parents are in my head. If you want to torture me tell me to run a marathon. I think people who purposely create drama are lame. I love to iron and could do it for hours. In fact, I love it so much I usually end up ironing all my roommates stuff just so they don't walk out the door in wrinkly clothes. If I could eat CafĂ© Rio every day for the rest of my life I’d die perfectly happy. I will own the perfect beach house someday with a private volleyball net and spot light (for playing after sunset) and giant freezer fully stocked with otter pops..lots of greens and pinks. Choosing a card to give with a present is possibly my least favorite chore in the world. I am always planning my next adventure to some remote place in the world. You will never hear me use the phrase “bear with me” in a Sacrament meeting talk I give. I think it’d be really cool to wear the yellow jersey at the top of the Alps. When I was four I had the chickenpox. I also told people I was handicapped because I have a deformed toenail on my right foot. Skinny jeans are ugly. In and Out is a fad. My name is a palindrome. I love to live. I think life is vibrant.

Stay tuned.....