a collection of certainly special, uniquely unusual, and equally momentous thoughts: memoirs of me

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

So here it goes....

I deactivated my Facebook account last night. I removed both Instagram and Facebook from my phone. I'm actually surprised that I did it with so little hesitation and so little premeditation. But something happened last night - the straw that broke the camel's back and I knew it had to be done.

I've felt this seed of comparison growing in me for some time. I didn't realize it was working on me and hurting me and completely changing my thoughts from good ones to bad ones until recently.

I spent all Saturday afternoon and evening with some fabulous girlfriends of mine. We went to a lacrosse game in Baltimore, then dinner in the district, and then a movie. It was a full and playfull night. We talked and laughed and caught up and I felt grateful for beautiful friends who complete my life and want to spend time with me in return. These girls are beautiful people. They are strong. They are confident. They are my kind of people. They make me laugh. I trust them with my thoughts and with my ideas.

Only 48 hours later I was at home last night when I pulled up Instagram and saw a picture of my same girlfriends at a Nats game. Almost immediately I was jealous- I was jealous that they went to the game, I was jealous that they looked so beautiful, I was jealous that they were doing something social, and I was frustrated that I wasn't invited to do it with them. Then this thought came into my head "I hate them."


It was in this instant- this singular moment when I realized that that had crossed my mind that I knew I had to do something.

Because this is the thing, I don't hate these people. They are my friends, my amazing friends, but after months and months of seeing pictures on Instagram and status updates on Facebook, after months of seeing only the perfect in everyone else's life my thoughts were beginning to change and resentment and jealousy had taken full grip of my heart.

"She's so beautiful."
"It's not fair that she's hanging out with guys and I'm not."
"Why was I not invited?"
"They are always traveling to somewhere cool and I don't have the money for that."
"I wish I had that outfit."

I wish, I wish, I wish.

I never thought I'd be the person to so nonchalantly unplug from social media so quickly. I'd always resented the people who did Facebook fasts or refused to get Instagram. I still don't really get those people and yet I'm one of them now, at least for the next little while.

I'm not going to now put myself on a soap box and proclaim to do something extraordinary with all my free time but I might just write my missionary brother a few more letters. I want to plant a teeny weeny succulent garden. I want to talk to my friends in Utah more and be more involved in their lives. I want to dig into my scripture study which has been seriously lacking. I want to really care about people instead of just caring about what I see on Instagram. I want to be free of the resentment and jealousy I feel.

Most of all, I want to love.

I want to start loving again.