a collection of certainly special, uniquely unusual, and equally momentous thoughts: memoirs of me

Friday, March 16, 2012


There are always ebbs and flows to life. Sometimes I find a certain thought swirling around in my brain for a couple days or weeks, something that's troubling me or just something trying to work itself out.

Then in a moment of pure mercy a conversation with a long time friend is sparked and that thought, the one that's been foggy and unrelenting in my brain, is cleared up- in a moment of brilliance.

I've had a certain thought like this lately, one that I haven't been able to let go of or figure out, but then I had a brilliant gchat conversation with a dear friend yesterday and by the end I knew what I was supposed to do.

He didn't say anything strikingly important, but his kindness and thoughtfulness touched my heart in a moment of unnoticeable weakness. He asked me questions and digitally gave me a bear hug that hasn't quite stopped still.

Tender mercies are what I call them, directly from above. Moments of clarity and peace and tenderness. Times when the burdens of life and mind are lifted and all you can is the clear and right path ahead.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Worth it

The beautifulness that I bought on Friday.

I called my dad on Friday with a mini crisis. I couldn't choose between the classic black and the tortoise shell. Oh the agony.

I ended up with the tortoise which compliments my brown hair and I'm in love.

First pair of designer Ray Bans. Classy.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Loving me right back

I could have a thousand reasons to be sad today…but I’m not sad. My life has never been happier. My faith has never been more optimistic. My heart has never been more grateful.

I’m rockin’ the single life. I’m going on trip after trip. I have so many nice things that make me feel beautiful and give me confidence. My friends are singular and some of the kindest and most charitable people on the planet. My family is intact and healthy. I am healthy. I get to work in the temple every week. I know God lives. I’m surrounded by the monuments and museums of Washington DC.  I’m going on dates with smart and interesting men that open my eyes and keep me young and laughing. I’ve been able to start over and create a fabulous life for myself independent of any other person. My heart is healed. The thousand shattered pieces have been put back together and now there’s not even a scar. I have overcome.

I have found that I can truly love again and feeling my heart open to other people in a new and compassionate way that I couldn’t do before has been life-changing.

March 9th is not the date of any national holiday. We don’t celebrate it or recognize it in any way. To anyone else it’s just another day to cross off the calendar.

But to me it’s a day I hope comes and goes quicker than most because today is the day that the man I thought I'd marry is getting married to someone else.

Does today still sting a little? Yes.

Does some part of me still wish it was me that was by his side? Yes.

Do I think that will ever change? Not sure. But I do know that something even better and more right will come along.

And the past year and a half has influenced me so dramatically that I’m all right with that. And happy. 2012 holds something special for me even though I’m blindfolded as to what that is still.

And so I’m going shopping today after work. I’m going to buy myself something beautiful on this sad-but-still-happy day….because in my heart of hearts I’m happy for him.  I loved him entirely and therefore still desire his happiness. He has found his queen and how can you not smile and be happy that that has happened to at least two people on this earth?

To my friends and family who have borne my grief and sorrow and have cried when I have cried I salute you. Thanks for your shoulders to cry on and your listening ears. But I’m moving on now. I’ve been moving on for a very long time but something about today is different. I’m literally leaving that part of my heart behind and never looking back.

It’s time. Life is too amazing to not live it…..and love it.

I’m loving life and it’s loving me right back.

***If you want to read one of the most incredible blog posts on love, life, and heartache read this. Loved it in every single way***