a little kate spade and a lot of everything else

I went to a movie tonight with some friends I’ve made in the last couple days. Everyone was dressed up for a night on the town. I was wearing a pair of navy blue capris from Costco and my favorite pair of brown flats. I bought those flats from Wal-Mart and yes, they are my absolute favorite.

As we were walking out of the movie theater everyone was talking about the latest fashions and best places to shop. One girl who was with us said “I saw this dress at Kate Spade and I just HAVE to have it. It’s $300 dollars but why not? I want it so bad.”

I’m pretty sure she’s actually going to spend $300 on a dress. Is that crazy to anyone else or is it just me?

Okay let me just say, I’ve only lived in this state for six days now but in these last six days I’ve felt this overwhelming pressure to be someone I’m not, to shop at the most ridiculous stores because if I don’t I’m not good enough or not cool enough, and if I don’t buy all my bed pillows from Crate & Barrel well I might as well end my life now.

Okay, that was maybe a little exaggerated but as you can read I feel a little frustrated. And I might as well confess that as I write this I’m wearing a way-overpriced shirt I bought at J. Crew yesterday because, well, I caved and felt pressure to buy something at J. Crew.

So here are some more confessions about what I really feel inside and who I really am as a person.

J.Crew is way too expensive for me which for everyone here is the cool place to shop. I don’t have the money nor do I care that much for the label to spend $70 on a shirt, no matter how cute it is. Heck, GAP suits me perfectly fine and if I find something I like at Old Navy or Costco then I’m perfectly happy. I don’t have the money to shop at Anthropologie or anywhere like that, let alone have an entire wardrobe from that store. I don’t like feeling like that’s the norm. Maybe it is out here. Well whether it is or not, I will forever be fine with shoes from Payless or Wal-Mart, shirts from GAP and Charlotte Russe, and pants from the Buckle. I don’t want to start buying all these expensive clothes because I don’t want to have to support a lifestyle like that.

I don’t have the money to fly to London or even fly home more than once or twice a year. I don’t have the money to have a car out here and deal with a car payment, insurance, and gas. So yes, I’m perfectly content with the metro. I hope to have money, but not that much money. I want to go to London and Italy and Spain and India and Jerusalem and Sao Paolo and Mexico City and Alaska but I want to earn those trips, to have saved and sacrificed for them. I want to go with my lover and stroll the streets hand in hand. I want it to be special because I worked hard to get there. And if I have any money left over I want to put it back into my savings account because I love having money in my savings account.

I hate the question, “So what kind of music do you like?” Let me be honest, when I do listen to the radio I listen to country (Don’t judge me I served my mission in Texas). But to be completely honest, I absolutely love church music. Yep, I love MoTab and EFY and General Conference. I love hymns played on piano and violin. And most of all I love silence. Oh sweet silence. That’s when I can really hear a lot, like the Spirit talking to me and guiding me along. That’s when I can figure out my life and uncomplicate it. That’s when I feel the Lord’s tender mercies and feel His love.

So give me silence. And please, don’t ask me what kind of music I like because I feel like a dweeb when I respond with an answer like that.

I don’t like feeling that I have to look like a Barbie all the time. It’s just too hard to be perfect like Barbie. Sometimes I don’t do my hair. Sometimes I don’t shower. Sometimes I don’t want to wear makeup. Sometimes I don’t want to put on tight uncomfortable jeans and lots of jewelry. Sometimes I’m perfectly content throwing on my red basketball shorts, a six-year-old Orem tigers t-shirt, taking my contacts out and replacing them with my glasses….and just vegging. I want someone who doesn’t care what I look like in that condition and can veg with me.

I’m really into sincerity. I know I know, I can be a little sarcastic at times, or a lot sarcastic, but in my heart of hearts I hope I’m sincere. I hope when I look into your eyes that you know I love you and that I mean it. I hope you know that I really am grateful I met you today, my new friend, and I hope we meet again. I will try to remember your name because that’s important to me.

So maybe I am just a little Mormon girl from Happy Valley but that’s all right. I love the church. I love the gospel in it. I love going to the temple and try to go every single week. I sincerely love church and I love Relief Society. I love serving and working in a calling. I love listening to church music. I love praying. I love real friends who I can be goofy around and love me and my red rosy cheeks even when I don’t.

Bro. Baron told me a couple weeks ago when I went in to say good bye that once I get out into the world, don’t let the world get into me. I’m trying to take those words to heart. Deep down all I want is to be good and to be content with what I have. The labels and the money and the wardrobe really don’t matter to me.

I will probably never own a piece of clothing from Anthropologie. I will always shop in the very back of stores at the clearance rack. I will continue to peruse the isles of GAP and Payless. I will probably never own a Mercedes Benz because I just think Toyota is completely sufficient. I want a small modest home that I can fill with love and memories and comfort. I want a man who doesn’t expect anything grandiose and is completely content snuggling with me on a hand-me-down couch. I want someone who’s real and just loves me for me, who doesn’t mind when I’m starving and can eat an entire burger or steak and who loves a whole chocolate bar for dessert.

I am Hannah……..and my favorite pair of shoes is from Walmart.