I got a really hard email recently. One of my dear friends Sarah (name has been changed), a recent convert of the church of three years and one of the most light-filled women I know, has decided to leave our church and return to the Catholic church. 

It is a heart-wrenching situation that pulls at your heart-strings. 

I first met Sarah shortly after moving here to DC. She'd just been baptized a couple months before and her story of conversion was one of the most sensational I'd ever heard. Sarah had always been seeking the truth and that journey led her through years of searching and reading. She first came into contact with the LDS church when she was a Catholic missionary in Ecuador and through a series of events and lots of prayer, Book of Mormon scripture reading, and thought, she made one of the most courageous decisions, to be baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 

Several months later I had the privilege of attending the temple as Sarah received her endowment. It was a deeply spiritual day and all those in attendance could feel the rightness of her decision to make covenants in the temple. 

Sarah became my visiting teacher when the wards split and I was released from my calling in the Relief Society presidency. She was the most diligent visiting teacher I've ever had, always contacting me even when she was traveling in Turkey for many months at a time. Her visits were less formal than normal (just like I like). Instead of a stuffy lesson in my house, she'd take me to get frozen yogurt or we'd go to Target and wander the isles. She was always sensitive to my needs. 

Sarah taught me what true discipleship is. She reads and really studies the gospel, spending hours thinking and pondering all aspect of the Gospel. She is incredibly knowledgeable concerning the Bible and the Book of Mormon, knowing more than most members will know in their entire lifetime. 

So yesterday was a particularly hard day when I received a personal email from her telling me that after more prayer, study, and thought, that she was returning to the Catholic church. I had known something was slightly amiss when she visited me just a couple weeks ago and was no longer wearing her temple garments. But not wanting to pry or judge, I never said anything nor did I think twice about it. 

Sarah's email last night described her journey over the last several months as she's contemplated different aspects of our Gospel as well as those in Catholicism, and feeling like the Spirit was guiding her elsewhere, has decided to leave.

I couldn't sleep last night thinking about her and my heart aching for her. 

There is a painting by Carl Bloch that was recently hung at the entrance to the Celestial Room in the DC temple.

I feel very strongly that the fellow in the red robe - that is how I picture Sarah at her reunion with the Savior. 

I just hope that I will be nearby as well. 

It is situations like these that actually reaffirm my own testimony, that we have the truth, absolute divine truth, and that our church is true. I hope that the divine tentacles of pure truth with find Sarah again and bring her back. I hope that she finds peace wherever her search takes her. I hope that she will feel the Savior's embrace as she tries to sort out her beliefs and build her foundation. 

I sometimes wonder about consequences of not living up to covenants, which makes me sad, but I am also reminded that we are all covenant breakers. And as I try to remember, we all have unique circumstances so we can't make comparisons or judgments. 

We can just hope for good things to come.  

What's in a nickname?

The first thing you have to know is that in my family we have nicknames, weird ones. It all started a couple years ago when we were watching The Amazing Race and the racers were in Russia. There was some challenge where they had to do something in a garden with a couple of Russian Babushkas (our interpretation of Russian Mothers). From then we started calling my mom Babushka because it was just appropriate.

Sometime later when my mom left to run errands she left me a note telling me where she was going and she addressed it to Eldest (me, of course). Spence became Birthright after a long argument where I insisted I was the birthright child being the oldest. Alas, Birthright stuck with Spence being the oldest boy and we've moved on. Carson is Son of my Loins (I have no idea how this one came to be but you can see the ancient trend we have going on). My sister-in-law was affectionately called Helpmeet, Adida our dog is The Lamb, and baby Beckham is Child in Swaddling Clothes. My dad is Papanua, my grandma is Stricken in Years, and we've yet to figure out one for my stepmom but I'm sure it will come to us at some point. They always come to us. In moments of pure brilliance.

Just for your entertainment, here are some other nicknames we've had over the years:

Hannah
Angel
Sweetheart
Weed
Invalid

Spence
Spence-O-Bee
Suspence

Carson
Carseat
Carson Daly

I went and saw a movie by myself this week. It was Tuesday night and I was celebrating not being on crutches anymore so I hobbled myself over to the movie theater and saw Enough Said with Julia Louie-Dreyfus and James Gandolfini. There were four of us in the theater...all there alone and unaccompanied. It was so nice.

Enough Said probably isn't going to win any awards although Julia was nominated for a Golden Globe for her role in the movie. Even so, I think this movie had an important moral, one that I've thought about the rest of the week.

Loving people regardless of their quirks and idiosyncrasies.
Beginning a relationship on a clean slate, despite what you may have heard about a person. 
Not letting other people's frustrations with someone cloud your own judgement of them. 

Maybe this resonated with me so much because I am so guilty of it and I need to change.

How many times have I decided not to crush on someone because a roommate told me of an awkward encounter they had with that person?

How many times have I brushed someone off after one quirky encounter with them?

How many times have I not given people a chance, any chance to open their heart and show their true colors?

How many times have I wished that someone would give me a chance, despite my own quirks?

I've thought about all these things this week and I've resolved to do better. I'm not going to let other people's experiences ruin potentially good relationships with others.

I have good proof that this works. For someone reason I had formed a certain negative opinion of someone. Come to find out, this someone ended up being in my Duck Beach house a couple years ago. After spending four days with this person and countless hours together on the deck just talking about life, I came to find out how amazing this person really was. My original impression was completely and utterly wrong. I learned a good lesson and despaired thinking how much precious friendship time had been lost because I had a wrong first impression and hadn't made an effort to develop a relationship earlier.

So onward and upward. More giving people the benefit of the doubt in 2014. More loving them because of their quirks and idiosyncrasies, and not despite them.

I like it.

Let's talk about pain

Let me tell you about my day.

I woke up in a lot of pain from the grade 3 sprained ankle I sustained a week and a half ago. My ankle is still bruised and swollen and I think I did a number on it last night during my sleep. I can't put weight on it yet because of the severity of the sprain so I've been on crutches for 11 days now. My underarms are sore, my right leg is achy because of the toll it's taken being my only useful leg right now, and I'm getting cramps in my left leg from not using it for almost two weeks.

That was only the beginning.

As I hobbled into work today the lobby of my office building was slightly slippery and as I attempted to put weight on my crutches they slipped right out beneath me and I fell to the ground. My rear took the brunt of the fall although I really hurt my left thumb. It's bruising and been sore all day.

As if that weren't enough, around 3 pm today I got a migraine. Fireworks of pain shot through my brain  and it was all I could do not to burst out in tears.

So that was my day.

I don't write to complain at all. I'm not one to ever want anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm a strong woman and independent and I can get through this. I know I can. I've been in worse pain before. But as I laid on my back in my office with my ankle propped up on a medicine ball to relieve the swelling in my ankle that had been growing all day, I got to thinking about pain. And it's purpose.

There are all different kinds of pain, but physical pain is something I feel I've been "blessed" with a lot on this earth. I'm not a hypochondriac at all, actually just the opposite, but I think that's because I learned about real pain from a young age. Crohn's Disease has been my friend since I was 8 years old resulting in times of writhing and indescribable pain that can't really be explained. Hours that I spent crumbled on my bedroom floor begging for relief, days that I spent in hospital rooms asking for more morphine, times when I wonder why pain has found me. This time. Again.

But through all these experiences I've gained priceless perspective and understanding, things I don't think I'd trade even to get rid of the pain. I've learned just what the body is capable of enduring, how far it can be pushed, just what is possible when pain is the only thing I feel. It has made me stronger, more resilient, and more compassionate.

Most importantly, I have found gratitude in this mortal body of mine. That it can heal itself seamlessly, that it can make itself whole again. I look forward to the day when this mortal shall put on immortality and when bodily pain will forever cease. I look forward to the Resurrection with anticipation and excitement.

So for now I will continue on. There will be more days of pain in the future. I have yet to give birth to a child but I don't worry about the pain it will require. There will be more injuries that will have to be overcome. There will be sickness and disease that will surely be met at some point. And finally there will be the road to death however that may come.

But today I am grateful when the pain subsides. I'm grateful for little pills that help in that process. I'm grateful for heat packs and ice packs. I'm grateful for crutches that keep me mobile. I'm grateful for sickness - that we can recognize health. And I'm grateful for pain because I know in the end that He knows what I'm going through because He suffered all.

When I come begging on my knees for help, He is always there.

An Ode to Buzzfeed - 29 Movies in 2013

I wish I had the time or stamina to find gifs for each of these but here's Hannah's list of the 29 movies I saw in the theater this year. That's approximately $348 in movies. But who's counting.

In chronological order and ranked on a scale from 1 to 10.

1) Beautiful Creatures

5- It was a girl's night out in the dead of winter. All I can say is that it was better than Twilight. 

2) Safe Haven

5- Not Nick Spark's best, not his worst.

3) Warm Bodies

8- For it being a ZomCom and me not usually into ZomCom's, this was refreshingly funny. Loved the narration and the writing. Made me lol once or twice.

4) Oz the Great and Powerful

2- Hated it. Will repeat. Hated it. James Franco is the new Nicholas Cage. Useless and uninteresting. 

5) The Host

5- I was entertained for two hours but not inspired. I guess it reminded me too much of the show Animorphs that I watched when I was a little kid.

6) 42

7- Good movie but didn't rivet me. I can't complain about a good sports movie though. Predictable but inspiring. 

7) Jurassic Park 3D

6- I mean, how could I not? I hadn't seen this one in about a decade and it scared me just about the same as then. I think I can go at least another decade before another viewing. 

8-10) Fast and the Furious 6 (x3)

9- Okay. My beloved friend Katie got me hooked. Granted, I didn't pay for this one all three times out of my own pocket, Katie subsidized, but I'm glad she did. It was all worth it. Not quite my favorite action movie (nothing tops Daniel Craig's James Bond) but pretty dang good nonetheless. And sitting next to Katie is a must. 

11) Now You See Me

5- Too many holes but I've become a pretty big fan of Woody Harrelson. I didn't mind being entertained by this movie for two hours.

12) Star Trek

8- I never mind watching Chris Pine. Never.

13) Great Gatsby

3- Didn't love it. There was so much hype around this movie and it just failed in my eyes. Not because it wasn't beautiful to watch or because Leo's performance wasn't top notch, I just realized I don't like the story line. So I guess it's not their fault I didn't like it. 

14) Man of Steel

5- Mediocre, that's all. I wasn't captivated and I got realllly tired of the action scenes. They went on for just a tad too long in my opinion. Plus, I couldn't get over how Lois Lane magically appeared exactly where Superman finished fighting. Do they know how big New York City is? That's impossible. 

15) White House Down

6- Before ya'll go and start judging me, let me remind you - Channing Tatum. CHANNING TATUM! In a white tank top. I also just need to note that I didn't initiate seeing this movie. My friend Chris was dying to see it (dying I say) so I tagged along to keep him company.

16-17) World War Z (x2)

10- The biggest surprise movie of the year. I loved this one. LOOVED! I was roped into going to a 10:30 pm showing on a Tuesday night (a school night mind you) and as I was sitting in the theater beforehand I exclaimed to Katie, "What am I doing? I'm 26 years old and I'm seeing a zombie movie on a weeknight and won't get home till 2 am!" It's all right because let me tell you, BRAD PITT HAS STILL GOT IT! That ponytail, that jaw, the zombies he just destroys. The emotion! 

18) The Butler

Katie rented a theater for us and 20 friends to watch this one together. I really enjoyed the movie although I think the highlight was when my friend Lance exclaimed 2 hours into the movie "Is that Oprah?!?" Bless him.

19) The Wolverine

4- I don't remember much from this movie. That's not a good sign. I don't think it was bad though. 

20-21) Gravity (x2)

10- Incredible. Who cares if it wasn't perfectly accurate? Come on guys! Can we not appreciate what they did accomplish? Sandra is incredible. George is refreshingly good and the take-aways are deep. I could talk about this one for hours. And don't get me started on how much I loved the ending.

22) Ender's Game

1- Worst movie I saw this year. I'm sorry if you liked it. I'm ever more sorry if you loved it. But this is the thing, I'v never read the book and I think that's the problem. I was so confused in this movie and not in a good way. The character development was poor, the acting not great. The kids went from shooting lasers at each other in a zero gravity room, to being responsible for the destiny of planets, all the in the space of a few minutes. I didn't get it. 

23) Thor

7- If I wasn't a fan of Chris Hemsworth before, I am now. 

24-25) Catching Fire (x2)

10- This movie delivered, just like the first. All my coworkers know this, but Katniss is my muse, and not just her, but Jennifer Lawrence in real life as well. And let's just talk about Peeta for a second, PEETA! I'm determined to be Mrs. Josh Hutcherson someday. 

26) Delivery Man

6- It was snowing outside and I was tired of being cooped up inside. I'm now laughing that I have to justify myself for seeing this movie. It was decently good and I appreciated that Vince Vaughn did something a tad more worthwhile than normal. 

27) The Book Thief

8- I don't need a happy ending to be satisfied with a movie. I can walk out of a movie with a sad ending and really appreciate it for what it's worth. But there was something about the sad ending to this movie that didn't quite leave me in the right spot. I think I needed just a little bit more goodness to feel like it redeemed itself from all the tragedy. That being said, the acting of all involved was spectacular. 

28) The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

8- From the second I saw the preview for Walter Mitty I was counting down the days till the premier...and although I really enjoyed it, I not sure I was in love with it. I didn't walk out of the theater bursting to the seams and desiring to tell everyone on Facebook about it. I really wanted it to be that good. That's not to say that it wasn't delightful. I loved the cinematography and I love Ben Stiller's more serious role, I guess I just wanted it to be my favorite movie of all time.

29) Saving Mr. Banks

9- Definitely a perfect way to top off the year. Now here's a movie that didn't give it all away in the trailer, and I appreciate that. It was emotional and jarring, I was surprised and also moved. Emma Thompson is one of my faves and she didn't disappoint. All I want to do now is build a fort in my living room and watch Mary Poppins. 

Taking stock

Making: the best of year 27
Creating: homemade salad dressings
Drinking: so much water that coworkers are keeping track of bathroom visits. The clear skin and lost weight is worth 30 trips to the baño, right?
Reading: about the hard life that is living in Afghanistan as a woman
Wanting: a Navy blazer with gold buttons and elbow patches
Looking: for a new perfume that sticks on me
Playing: an inconvenient game of cat and mouse with a retched car dealership over a broken transmission
Wasting: time looking for a new tv series to start watching. Why can’t Friday Night Lights last forever? Tim Riggins you sexy man.
Sewing: jean hems for my guys
Wishing: my nephew was in my arms so I could see the tuft of hair he’s managed to grow
Enjoying: the brisk chilliness of the weather and my recent discovery of pumpkin spice steamers
Waiting: for him to realize I’m standing right here
Liking: new roommates and late night conversations that assure me
Wondering: what will happen in April. I only see a question mark.
Loving: the slow but steady tightening of the muscles in my quads, arms and abs
Hoping: for more volleyball to be played
Marveling: at the wise and sage advice that was given by Prophets and Apostles
Needing: more than one long hug

Missing: apartment prayer, New Girl snuggies, and my wingwoman

Smelling: nothing really
Wearing: neon for as long as I can get away with it
Following: the news however depressing it always seems to be
Noticing: the worn soles on two of my favorite pairs of shoes. Stop it shoes.
Knowing:  Monday is a no work holiday
Thinking: about which gym I should join
Feeling: burdened but optimistic
Bookmarking: fashion blogs full of girls that wear ridiculously expensive clothes. I don’t get it.
Opening: emails from an extra special missionary brother
Giggling: over good morning texts that start my day with an end to end smile

**The idea for this post was stolen from one of my favorite bloggers at thedaybookblog.com

So here it goes....

I deactivated my Facebook account last night. I removed both Instagram and Facebook from my phone. I'm actually surprised that I did it with so little hesitation and so little premeditation. But something happened last night - the straw that broke the camel's back and I knew it had to be done.

I've felt this seed of comparison growing in me for some time. I didn't realize it was working on me and hurting me and completely changing my thoughts from good ones to bad ones until recently.

I spent all Saturday afternoon and evening with some fabulous girlfriends of mine. We went to a lacrosse game in Baltimore, then dinner in the district, and then a movie. It was a full and playfull night. We talked and laughed and caught up and I felt grateful for beautiful friends who complete my life and want to spend time with me in return. These girls are beautiful people. They are strong. They are confident. They are my kind of people. They make me laugh. I trust them with my thoughts and with my ideas.

Only 48 hours later I was at home last night when I pulled up Instagram and saw a picture of my same girlfriends at a Nats game. Almost immediately I was jealous- I was jealous that they went to the game, I was jealous that they looked so beautiful, I was jealous that they were doing something social, and I was frustrated that I wasn't invited to do it with them. Then this thought came into my head "I hate them."

WHAT????

It was in this instant- this singular moment when I realized that that had crossed my mind that I knew I had to do something.

Because this is the thing, I don't hate these people. They are my friends, my amazing friends, but after months and months of seeing pictures on Instagram and status updates on Facebook, after months of seeing only the perfect in everyone else's life my thoughts were beginning to change and resentment and jealousy had taken full grip of my heart.

"She's so beautiful."
"It's not fair that she's hanging out with guys and I'm not."
"Why was I not invited?"
"They are always traveling to somewhere cool and I don't have the money for that."
"I wish I had that outfit."

I wish, I wish, I wish.

I never thought I'd be the person to so nonchalantly unplug from social media so quickly. I'd always resented the people who did Facebook fasts or refused to get Instagram. I still don't really get those people and yet I'm one of them now, at least for the next little while.

I'm not going to now put myself on a soap box and proclaim to do something extraordinary with all my free time but I might just write my missionary brother a few more letters. I want to plant a teeny weeny succulent garden. I want to talk to my friends in Utah more and be more involved in their lives. I want to dig into my scripture study which has been seriously lacking. I want to really care about people instead of just caring about what I see on Instagram. I want to be free of the resentment and jealousy I feel.

Most of all, I want to love.

I want to start loving again.